My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
