Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
