Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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