Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
