Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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