I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
