So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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