Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Im part way to drunk.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
