apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
