$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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