So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
