and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
