So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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