Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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