If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
