They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
