The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
