Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
