Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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