First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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