Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
