The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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