if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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