Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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