I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My liver just had a heart attack.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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