My friends, they love my intelligence
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
