now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
