he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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