you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Four minutes until I can fart!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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