I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
