I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
