Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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