She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
