i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize