I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So much rum. So many feels.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
