I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You smell like stripper and shame
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
