My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize