My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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