Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
