Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
