I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
