ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
