Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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