My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
