Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
