is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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