I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
