I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
