Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
