fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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