dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
