How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
