I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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