The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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