i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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