her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
