At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
