how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
