watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize