when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i now understand why vodka
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
